Ana, my lover.

   When it first began, I saw her only for a brief moment. I walked past a mirror, she was there in a moment and gone in a flash.  She was beautiful; she was a bird boned structure with sharpened edges to cut into your heart.  Her image lingered with me and so I searched everywhere.  I wanted her.

   The special girls said that she had to choose me, that I had to be special to be in her presence.  She was treated as a god to some and others just seen her as a degenerative disease.  

   I just saw her as something gorgeous.

   The flash of her bones would become more frequent and I was delighted. She never stayed for long though,she would take off into the shadows and I was left crying for her.  I would become more anxious after seeing her leave, what if I would never see her beautiful face again?  What if she thought I wasn't special enough for her?

   So for a few days, I would feel guilty, I would go for long walks to contemplate on what I gained and lost through this twisted relationship and in the end, wherever I ended up on the streets at night, I wanted her back even though she has caused me that bittersweet longing of a girl in love.

   The others started to say that she may have chosen me but I will have to follow her 'commandments' and follow her rules if I wanted her to stay in my shadow, in the back round and for her to embrace me with those long pale arms.  I took their bible and read it secretly; the girls said that this is our secret religion and nobody else would understand and that they would think I am crazy.

   So late at night, when the stars slept, I would read and watch and wait for her.

   I have felt her presence one night. She breathed on my shoulder and I turned around and hoped to see her there, she was an invisible ghost, but I felt her in my brain.

   She started to talk to me.

   I was chosen.

   Her voice was wispy, caught in the wind, echoed in my mind; I listened very carefully, documented my progress in this relationship so I would never forget the steps to her heart.  She was calm, loving, and said that she will give me what I wanted most in the world if I gave her what she wanted,

   "It's not much, it's not a lot to ask of you for what I am willing to give you."

   She made me promise that I would stay by her side and never leave her.  She wanted me, all of me, so I promised her my body and mind.

   She caused pain and heartache, but the sick part of it all, I loved it, I loved that emptiness in my body, like she hallowed me out with an ice cream scooper and took out all the of the sickness out, all of the worry and anxiety out. She kept me on my toes, made sure that I wouldn't fail her, made sure that I won't fail myself and break the promises we made in each other's embrace that night.

   I was special with her around.  Special when everyone else is gone.

   Others told me she would crush my organs and tear my throat  but I didn't care, I needed her, I loved her, I would die for her.  From all these losses, I am being fixed from these cement cracks.  She keeps out of all the bad thoughts and so if I leave, they will come back and I will be broken all over again.

   She is my goddess, and I am her slave.  

   She is Ana.  
   My destructive sickness.